I am a survivor, above all else. Life doesn’t always turn out as we planned, start out how we wished, or follow the course we wish it had, but we have no option but to carry on. We trod down the road not always choosing the right path, often led blindly by the traumas of the past. I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, depression with suicidal idealizations and anxiety. The battle against depression, for me anyway, is a battle I have fought alone, and as with any battles there are victims and survivors and on any given day I am unsure which one I will be…but I continue to fight.
I have survived 3 suicide attempts, a traumatic childhood including 4 foster homes before the age of 18 months, long term sexual abuse, watching and trying to protect my mom from physical abuse, followed by six long years watching her die slowly and painfully of cancer and then I turned 19.
I want people to know how debilitating depression can be. How it can affect your every thought, your every decision. It can wear you down to the point of exhaustion and physical illness. It can cost you your job, your friends and family…and why? Because they are afraid, uneducated and it’s easier to stigmatize than to learn. People don’t know how to deal with mental illness so it’s easier to turn away and make excuses than to reach out a helping hand.
Depression, anxiety and all other forms of mental illness are not a choice. These diseases chose us, and our choice now becomes how hard we are willing to fight them off. I truly believe many will win their battles, but let us not judge those who don’t. You don’t know their story, the depths of their negative emotions and the fact that they have been fighting this their whole lives. Everyone has a reserve of strength they’re unaware of until it’s the only thing they have left. Now what if that runs dry? Where do you pull hope and strength from when you are completely drained? When you have no one to talk to, no one to show they care, hope is not a feasibility.
Suicide happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain. Every day is a challenge, a game of chance with my life being the playing piece. Today I win, tomorrow all I can do is try.