The Emotional Paralysis of my Dissociation

  I have a large compass tattooed on my shoulder and I still feel lost and overwhelmed.  I have no sense of direction and no map to point out if I am heading the right way, or if I am wandering further into oblivion. I have looked inside and outside for the answers, or at … Continue reading The Emotional Paralysis of my Dissociation

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Is the New Method of Suicide Note Online?

      I have been passively suicidal for most of my life and actively suicidal three times. I know what it feels like to be carrying a burden so heavy your legs can no longer hold you up. I understand what it is like to see nothing but darkness and pain in your future … Continue reading Is the New Method of Suicide Note Online?

The Emotional Vulnerability of Love for a Borderline

    Relationships in the best of circumstances are tricky waters to navigate. They require not a captain and a first mate, but two co-captains, who are not only plotting out a similar course but are willing to stick together when the tides change your direction. Surviving childhood sexual abuse leaves emotional scars that twist … Continue reading The Emotional Vulnerability of Love for a Borderline

The Safe Place That Saved My Life

    The physical aspect of child molestation eventually ends but the emotional destruction does not leave the tiny shoulders carrying the burden. Instead, it grows with you and casts a shadow of overwhelming darkness for years, decades and sometimes for life. I was molested for 8 years of my childhood and its residual effects … Continue reading The Safe Place That Saved My Life

A Few Things to Remind “Little Me

      I started out wanting to write a letter to my inner child; a letter to the frightened and traumatized little girl I was. I planned to write it in a tone that I would speak to a young child, when it suddenly donned on me that my inner child is more like … Continue reading A Few Things to Remind “Little Me

Did I Know It Was Still Abuse Then?

        Since I have suffered depression since my first memories, the accompanying frame of mind and sense of self, over the years, becomes the norm. So if I have technically never been “well”, how will I know what it feels like if I ever achieve it? Will it be like a light … Continue reading Did I Know It Was Still Abuse Then?

Loss of Innocence..Chapter 2: The Garage

To this day, I still can’t walk into a mechanics shop or a garage where a car has been parked or worked on without the memory of scent triggering these events. The smell of a old rag with oil on it sends a chill up my spine, so much so I just got one merely … Continue reading Loss of Innocence..Chapter 2: The Garage